Successfully Avoiding Anything Planned
New Website Offers 30-Minute Master of Divinity (MDiv30)
Now you can achieve a Master of Divinity in the time it takes you to stream your favorite show on Netflix thanks to Universal Monastery of the Milky Way.
According to UDoubleMW.org the MDiv30 curriculum “provides a solid theological foundation for ministry leaders to successfully engage the local and global issues of our day in a variety of contexts.”
“We’ve been ordaining for years and now we’re proud to offer a strong educational component,” said President Ralph Willow. “We’ve condensed classes which would traditionally be 4-semester hours into 3-dynamic life enriching minutes.”
While students can choose from a broad range of Bible, Church History, and Spiritual Formation core classes and electives, a strong sense of call to invest a half hour online may look like:
“We know making a decision to pursue advanced training is not an easy one,” said Willow, “which is why halfway through completion we’ve included a 15-second session with one of our certified spiritual speed directors at no extra cost.”
Complete with a one-click graduation ceremony playing a choice of Doxology or Pomp and Circumstance and a printable diploma (frames available at extra charge), applications are accepted on a rolling basis.
Get In, Get Out, Get Blessing
#GoMDiv30
Worship Leader Passes Out While Literally Trying to Sing of His Love Forever
Matthew Wilson, Worship Pastor for First Hope Calvary Chapel, was rushed to the emergency room for exhaustion and dehydration after singing and playing guitar for 19 consecutive hours.
Witnesses say Wilson never stopped playing the popular praise song I Could Sing of Your Love Forever long after Sunday morning’s service was supposed to end.
“He just kept singing and playing the chorus,” said keyboardist/violinist/vocalist Rachel Moore. “Even after everyone left he was up there praising away.”
While songs typically go long due to Wilson encouraging the congregation to “sing so heaven can hear you,” band members claim this is the first time anything like this has ever happened.
“I tracked with him as long as I could but my hands started to blister,” said drummer Ben Thomas. “I heard him change the words from ‘I could sing of your love forever’ to ‘I will sing of your love forever.’ I guess he was serious.”
“I’m proud to say I hung in there for about 52 choruses,” said church member Bill Bradley. “But my wife was giving me that look so I had to go.”
“I think at some point he got it in his mind he was going to spend the rest of his life on earth playing that song,” said Sr. Pastor Darrin Tyrrell. “I believe if his body hadn’t failed him he’d still be up there. Sometimes our spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.”
Christian psychologist Dr. Fiona Nordlund BCC, MSW, PsyD claims that while this type of louange extrême or “extreme praise” heightens during the Easter season, Wilson’s act was beyond the norm.
“It’s not uncommon to see marathon sign dance rehearsals, decoration committees hanging flowers at odd hours, nationwide palm branch shortages. People can really stress themselves out for the Prince of Peace, especially around Holy Week.”
A source close to WIlson’s family said he’s steadily recovering but not out of the woods. When asked how he was feeling Wilson said “like dancing….it’s foolishness I knoOoo,” before falling unconscious once again.
Church Successfully Plays Video on First Attempt; Wows Congregation
In a feat congregants attribute to “a just act from a merciful God,” the tech team of Emmanuel Church of the Crossroads successfully played a video during it’s 8:30am service on the first attempt.
“As soon as Pastor Alex turned our attention to the screen during his sermon I braced myself for at least 30 to 45 seconds of silence,” said long time member Ben McAllister, “but the silence never came. No blue screen. No spinning load icon. Not a single side cough slow head swivel toward the back….nothing. It just played.”
As the slideshow of the Young at Hearts ministry picnic began, audible gasps were heard as pictures of church members age 55 and above tossing horseshoes rotated seamlessly.
“My jaw hit the communion cup holder,” Gale Simmons, another in attendance said, “I just could not believe what I was seeing. It was like how you’d imagine a video playing in heaven.”
Jason Carlson, the tech team Spring intern who cued the video was just as awestruck.
“I felt like yeah, it was my finger that clicked the mouse, but we all know who really started the video here this morning. I’d be a fool to take credit away from the Holy Spirit.”
72-year-old Deborah Davis who’s been attending church for over 40 years explained how she never thought she’d live to see this day.
“I tell you when you’ve been going to church as long as I have you think you’ve seen it all. But when that video started to play right away like that…I sat there and gave my life to Jesus all over again. It truly affirms miracles are possible in the here and now.”
Photo courtesy of audiovideogroup.com
Breaking Blue
I’m not sure exactly when it happened. I’m not even sure how it happened. All I know is somewhere along the line, much to the disdain of my Fighting Illini loving friends and family, I became a Michigan Wolverine football fan. I can hear my cousin Mike in an orange beanie yelling, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” from Decatur as I type.
This is my confession.
Let it serve as a warning to those who think they can dabble in team interest without being enthralled by yellow and blue fervor.
If it happened to me, it can happen to you.
It starts out so innocently you know. A game here, a ‘look at all those people in that stadium” there. You begin causally grazing stats in the newspaper. You’re pleased when Jim Harbaugh is announced as the new coach. You catch yourself humming “The Victors” fight song and breaking eye contact early with anyone from Ohio.
Your outbursts at bad calls are increasing. You go to your first game at the Big House and your attire matches all the people around you minus chest paint. Why is there a cheese plate in the shape of an M on my kitchen table? And that’s when it hits you. You don’t make cheese plates for nothing. You’re a frickin’ fan.
“WHYYYYYYYYYY?!,” yells Grandpa Carl from a leaf covered driveway.
I’m afraid so. It’s undeniable. As I sit here, I can’t wait to watch the rest of the games this season. We ordered the Big 10 network just so we wouldn’t miss a snap. This is all too real and I have the chips in the cushions of my couch to prove it.
This Michigan fan won dog Halloween.
I grew up like any other kid in Illinois, eating orange jello in the fall. My family took me to visit U of I. We have family pictures on campus. I have grandparents and aunts and cousins who went to school there. I visited their dorms. I even went to football games. Shouldn’t this be enough to entrench my loyalty? What happened?!
I met a girl.
She proudly takes the blame for this. Growing up in the shadows of The Big House, my wife Christi is no casual fan. It’s a scary moment in any marriage when you see the speed and precision at which your spouse can hurl a throw pillow. I used to wake up in cold sweats to the sounds of yelling, cheering, shouting…and that was before kickoff.
I made the mistake one time of saying, “Go Big Blue.” I thought black and blue was going to be the color of my eye.
An innocent mistake, I now know it’s “Go Blue.”
No “Big.” Nooooooooooo “Big.”
I may or may not ever build a Big House out of Legos
In my defense I tried to resist, I really did, but somewhere along the line my heart shifted and I have no choice but to go with it. Fall is the season to embrace transformation. Sometimes change happens as we strive to better ourselves, sometimes….it just happens.
Where are you embracing transformation this fall?
Don’t get me wrong, there will always room in my heart for orange jello.
May be our future.
Cheers,
A
Japan Part 3
Just when we thought we probably wouldn’t have another opportunity to return, Christi and I received a call from our friends Dave and Beth Kanelos asking if we’d volunteer as leaders for their Club Beyond youth camp in Japan.
Hmmmm, we’ll have to chec……OK.
We flew into Tokyo and made our way to Mt. Bandai. We spent a few days hiking, canoeing, and discovering vending machine delicacies such as waffle ice cream sandwiches with students and leaders from Misawa and Yakota Air Force bases.
(Click pics to enlarge)
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- Kendo Demonstration
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- I’ll have another
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- Mt. Bendai hike
After camp we spent some time in Misawa:
We then made our way down to Sendai and caught some views of Okama Crater near the summit of Mt. Zao:
Oh no…here it comes….brace yourself….an inspirational quote:
I am not the same, having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.
– Mary Anne Radmacher
Here’s to moonshine…..wait…yeah, that’s what I meant,
A
Recording the HaHa
For the past month my behavior has been odd. I’ve been mumbling words to myself. Missing exits while driving. Spacing out while spacing out. Pacing like an Umpa Lumpa in skinny jeans. Visualizing each beat of a story about being at a party where a tiny bread crumb projected from my mouth and landed directly into the tear duct of the woman I was talking too. A tragic tale of dating dreams crushed by rogue bruschetta.
Why relive such a mortifying moment (over and over and over)? This is a question everyone who performs comedy must answer and it’s not an easy one. While I’m still seeking why I’m compelled to stand in front of friends and strangers and share these bits and pieces of my life for their entertainment, one thing was certain: I was recording a comedy album on October 23rd and I needed to mumble my way into cohesiveness.
Camping @ Bellows Beach
I’m not what one would call an outdoorsman. I mean sure I could grow out my beard, wear flannel and carry an ax with the best of them but I’d probably fall over backwards trying to chop down a tree. I’ll leave the wood chopping’ to the pros. Can’t say I’ve ever been much of a camper. Camping reminds me of poison ivy. Poison ivy reminds me of the time I thought I had acne on my nose and used an oxy pad all over only to wake up the next day with my eyes swollen shut and entire face enflamed in itch. It wasn’t acne. Spent the next two weeks of that summer soaking my head in oatmeal baths and yelling at that Quaker guy on the label. What are you smiling at with your big hat!? To this day I can’t look him in the eyes without scratching my cheeks.
20 Years Later
I’ll tell you what’s really strange, seeing a band play live 2 decades after seeing them the first time. I’m sure many Rolling Stones fans have had this experience. Boston/Journey/Chicago fans. Huey Lewis and the News who is playing with Jimmy Buffet next week fans. Even Up With People (Yes, I saw them in 6th grade and to this day still catch myself humming their signature tune from time to time mostly when I’m nervous).
There are plenty-o-acts still around 20, 30, and even a few 50-years later. A testament to the staying power of music in a person’s soul once they begin to make it. And in some cases, a testament to a good plastic surgeon.
1 Day. 2 Bros. 3 Record Stores.
Thoughts in abstraction or pure listening satisfaction
Moods reflected through a speaker’s till
Shelves lined with the packaged beat
To rouse or soothe the savage beast
All strapped in tight awaiting a thrill
Sometimes you just have to stop what you’re doing and go to a record store. I’m not talking go on your computer and download songs, I mean a real life place where you have to get into a car or transportation of choice, open a door that leads into a room, say hi or silent cool head nod the person behind the counter, and sift through physical copies of recorded music.
I realize these places are few and far between. While the vinyl resurgence has inspired music enthusiasts to clear attics and basements and Ebay of record crates and throw caution to the wind to live their store owning dreams, it’s not like the days of yesteryear when you could go to any strip mall with a poorly lit sign and expect to see a record store next to a Blockbuster a few doors down from Lou Taylor’s School of Tae Kwon Do. Those days are over. Lou is still there, ponytail and all, but rather than motivate students by spinning Eye of the Tiger on his Sanyo stereo, he streams the Survivor Pandora channel through his wireless speakers. And where the record store used to be? Probably a Supercuts. They took over the space right around 1999, the year Prince told us we were supposed to be partying. Supercuts survives, but the mom & pop record shop doesn’t. Future historians will implode their retina imbedded WiFi antennas when they read that fact about our civilization.
But not to worry. Help has arrived. By people you have to believe are in it for the pure love of music. This is what reinstates my faith in humanity. When someone is in it for the joy of paying it forward. If you’re a record store owner and have survived the past 15 years or have opened your store recently I’d kiss you on the cheek if you didn’t have a sharp beard. Thank you for keeping the dream alive.
I’m glad cassettes and CD’s were never sold out of vending machines. However, it does seem like a missed opportunity. They could have had an automated voice make music snob friend remarks for whatever you purchased. “VanHalen was better with Roth,” or “The album you’ve selected is ok, I’m a bigger fan of their earlier stuff.” Like most brilliant ideas I’ve ever had, I’m 20 years too late.
Last week my brother Mario and I (Yes, I have a brother named Mario which means between the mid-80’s and early-90’s I was called Luigi. Either that or people would just start humming the Super Mario Bro’s theme music. To this day if I hear that music I get flashbacks. I’ll just yell “No I don’t know how the princess is doing!” and run away.) drove to Bloomington, IL to hit three record stores in close proximity. We listened to Punk Rock out of reverence for the genre as well as the need to stay awake driving through repetitive fields of corn and soy. Scenes from central Illinois roads could be used in lieu of melatonin or by hypnotists wanting to put someone in a deep trance. With Illinois State University nearby, small stores as well chain restaurant cohorts all have a place at the table in the college town consumer food chain. Going to three stores in the same day felt like walking into a breakfast buffet for the first time and wondering how you’re possibly going to pace yourself and still have room for the waffle bar.
All three had a healthy selection of new and used records, music posters and memorabilia, and that record store smell I wish they sold in a Febreze scent: something like burning incense at a Jiffy Lube.
When I shop for records I’m drawn to Blues, Reggae, Classic Rock, and Comedy Albums. For whatever reason, I really enjoy listening to these on my cheap record player, maybe because it’s the sound of their original element. Yes, all of these songs are available digitally, but it’s the difference between seeing an animal at the zoo and one in its natural habitat. One farts and is self-conscious because strangers are starting at it, the other breaks wind and thinks nothing of it. I can’t believe I just made that comparison either, but while I appreciate new records, I’m still drawn to older releases with vinyl as its intended expression. The great thing about vinyl is that old music can have new life. I’m discovering artists who have been around for decades and have a greater appreciation for the technology available to new musicians who can instantly share their songs.
Slips away within the amplified sounds
Places all anxieties in the background
Blocks out the rest of humanity for a sonic remedy
Seals all the cracks and turns up the stereo
No antenna transmitting sessions of rehabilitation
It’s a self-prescribed soundtrack fixation
Doses of escape ingredients and mixtures to pave
The way for the sound waves
It’s hard not to look back on your music tastes over the years without at least a little embarrassment, but hey, it’s all part of the journey. It’s the soundtrack of our lives as our New Year’s Eve friend Dick Clark said. I’ve had some varied interests, always circling back it seems to Rock, Punk, and Blues. Here are a few highlights in all their glory from my music listening career:
- Age 4: Playing “Coming to America” record by Neil Diamond until I was sent outside to ride my CHIPS hot wheel.
- Age 6: Michael Jackson Off the Wall cassette. I collected Michael Jackson folders, stickers, and magazines and brought them to school in a brown grocery bag so my friends and I could “trade Michael Jackson stuff.” I even had the Michael Jackson doll, which my brother one day stuck in a light socket and melted the foot like a swirld tip of an ice cream cone. Tears. Rage. You Wanna Be Starting Somethin.
- Wearing out the Stand By Me soundtrack listening to it on my Sony Walkman. Learned at an early age that I can’t listen to headphones while doing math homework.
- I see the video for “Funky Town” by Pseudo Echo and immediately go to the Beloit, WI Mall and purchase cassette with birthday money or money begged off of parents. I get a D on my next math test.
- Dancing around my living room to video for Cutting Crew’s “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” nearly tripping over a dehumidifier cord and breaking my face.
- First CD: “Mama Said Knock You Out” maxi-single with 4 versions of LL Cool J’s hit. Do the research and learn LL stands for Ladies Love. Or at least that’s what I was told by someone in shop class. Second CD: Metallica Black.
- First Concert: Depeche Mode 1993, Champagne Illinois. I spend way too much money on a wall-sized poster my friends would make fun of me for having. I endure. I just can’t get enough…I just can’t get enough…I…I’ll stop.
- 1994: Punk Rock takes hold. Not only do I listen, I must also make this beautiful noise.
- 1995: Start band with friends, write songs, release cassettes…the cycle of life…
Adjust the gage on option control
All equalized and ready to roll
Bonus:
The lyrics are from the song “Sonic Remedy” written with my band, Turbo Pascal. A free download of the song is available here.
Two awesome record stores you should check out if you happen to be in Hawaii or Wisconsin…hey crazier things have happened…..:
Hungry Ear Records, Honolulu, HI
Tin Dog Records, Beloit, WI
Cheers,
A
Japan: Part 2 (Video)
Last week I shared some pictures from Japan. This week, you guessed it, more pictures and a video. I’ll just be quiet and post that stuff right now: Continue reading