Successfully Avoiding Anything Planned
Archives: l’extrême louange
“God Wants Me to Break-Up With You,” Claims Girlfriend
Found spacing out while slowly shuffling Uno cards at Holy Grounds coffee shop yesterday, a beffuddled Jason Wellington recalled the events surrounding the recent break-up with Alissa Jones, his girlfriend of nearly 8 months.
“She basically said God told her to do it. In fact that’s exactly what she said. That God told her to break up with me,” said Wellington pointing a blue Draw Two card toward the sky. “I was perplexed because she always told me she was thankful God brought us together.”
Jason and Alissa met as counselors last summer at Camp Lakes of the Cove Ranch, beginning their courtship known as Fandango and Stargaze or “Fan-Gaze” by other staff.
“Fan-Gaze were like two arrows on the same archery bullseye,” said camp director Chuck “Big Kahuna” McKinsey. “Rarely did you see one without the other.”
“She changed her profile pic to the Fandango paper bag girl…I mean that’s how serious we were,” said Wellington.
“Well, it leaves little room for rebuttal doesn’t it?” said chiropractor and relationship specialist Barbara Leeman. “When one claims God is leading them in another direction you don’t want to be responsible for getting in the way. The truth is God does call some of us to be single. Myself, The Apostle Paul, Jesus. We can’t all be King Solomon.”
“The sad thing is her profile picture is now a plate of cookies..so I know what that means.” said Wellington, flinging the rest of the bright colored cards toward the game basket. “I saw the way Snickerdoodle looked at her across the camp fire. I guess when she said ‘leading me in another direction’ she meant towards him.”
At the time of printing Doodle-Gaze was unavailable for comment.
New Website Offers 30-Minute Master of Divinity (MDiv30)
Now you can achieve a Master of Divinity in the time it takes you to stream your favorite show on Netflix thanks to Universal Monastery of the Milky Way.
According to UDoubleMW.org the MDiv30 curriculum “provides a solid theological foundation for ministry leaders to successfully engage the local and global issues of our day in a variety of contexts.”
“We’ve been ordaining for years and now we’re proud to offer a strong educational component,” said President Ralph Willow. “We’ve condensed classes which would traditionally be 4-semester hours into 3-dynamic life enriching minutes.”
While students can choose from a broad range of Bible, Church History, and Spiritual Formation core classes and electives, a strong sense of call to invest a half hour online may look like:
“We know making a decision to pursue advanced training is not an easy one,” said Willow, “which is why halfway through completion we’ve included a 15-second session with one of our certified spiritual speed directors at no extra cost.”
Complete with a one-click graduation ceremony playing a choice of Doxology or Pomp and Circumstance and a printable diploma (frames available at extra charge), applications are accepted on a rolling basis.
Get In, Get Out, Get Blessing
#GoMDiv30
Worship Leader Passes Out While Literally Trying to Sing of His Love Forever
Matthew Wilson, Worship Pastor for First Hope Calvary Chapel, was rushed to the emergency room for exhaustion and dehydration after singing and playing guitar for 19 consecutive hours.
Witnesses say Wilson never stopped playing the popular praise song I Could Sing of Your Love Forever long after Sunday morning’s service was supposed to end.
“He just kept singing and playing the chorus,” said keyboardist/violinist/vocalist Rachel Moore. “Even after everyone left he was up there praising away.”
While songs typically go long due to Wilson encouraging the congregation to “sing so heaven can hear you,” band members claim this is the first time anything like this has ever happened.
“I tracked with him as long as I could but my hands started to blister,” said drummer Ben Thomas. “I heard him change the words from ‘I could sing of your love forever’ to ‘I will sing of your love forever.’ I guess he was serious.”
“I’m proud to say I hung in there for about 52 choruses,” said church member Bill Bradley. “But my wife was giving me that look so I had to go.”
“I think at some point he got it in his mind he was going to spend the rest of his life on earth playing that song,” said Sr. Pastor Darrin Tyrrell. “I believe if his body hadn’t failed him he’d still be up there. Sometimes our spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.”
Christian psychologist Dr. Fiona Nordlund BCC, MSW, PsyD claims that while this type of louange extrême or “extreme praise” heightens during the Easter season, Wilson’s act was beyond the norm.
“It’s not uncommon to see marathon sign dance rehearsals, decoration committees hanging flowers at odd hours, nationwide palm branch shortages. People can really stress themselves out for the Prince of Peace, especially around Holy Week.”
A source close to WIlson’s family said he’s steadily recovering but not out of the woods. When asked how he was feeling Wilson said “like dancing….it’s foolishness I knoOoo,” before falling unconscious once again.
Church Successfully Plays Video on First Attempt; Wows Congregation
In a feat congregants attribute to “a just act from a merciful God,” the tech team of Emmanuel Church of the Crossroads successfully played a video during it’s 8:30am service on the first attempt.
“As soon as Pastor Alex turned our attention to the screen during his sermon I braced myself for at least 30 to 45 seconds of silence,” said long time member Ben McAllister, “but the silence never came. No blue screen. No spinning load icon. Not a single side cough slow head swivel toward the back….nothing. It just played.”
As the slideshow of the Young at Hearts ministry picnic began, audible gasps were heard as pictures of church members age 55 and above tossing horseshoes rotated seamlessly.
“My jaw hit the communion cup holder,” Gale Simmons, another in attendance said, “I just could not believe what I was seeing. It was like how you’d imagine a video playing in heaven.”
Jason Carlson, the tech team Spring intern who cued the video was just as awestruck.
“I felt like yeah, it was my finger that clicked the mouse, but we all know who really started the video here this morning. I’d be a fool to take credit away from the Holy Spirit.”
72-year-old Deborah Davis who’s been attending church for over 40 years explained how she never thought she’d live to see this day.
“I tell you when you’ve been going to church as long as I have you think you’ve seen it all. But when that video started to play right away like that…I sat there and gave my life to Jesus all over again. It truly affirms miracles are possible in the here and now.”