Successfully Avoiding Anything Planned
Tag Archives: satire
“God Wants Me to Break-Up With You,” Claims Girlfriend
Found spacing out while slowly shuffling Uno cards at Holy Grounds coffee shop yesterday, a beffuddled Jason Wellington recalled the events surrounding the recent break-up with Alissa Jones, his girlfriend of nearly 8 months.
“She basically said God told her to do it. In fact that’s exactly what she said. That God told her to break up with me,” said Wellington pointing a blue Draw Two card toward the sky. “I was perplexed because she always told me she was thankful God brought us together.”
Jason and Alissa met as counselors last summer at Camp Lakes of the Cove Ranch, beginning their courtship known as Fandango and Stargaze or “Fan-Gaze” by other staff.
“Fan-Gaze were like two arrows on the same archery bullseye,” said camp director Chuck “Big Kahuna” McKinsey. “Rarely did you see one without the other.”
“She changed her profile pic to the Fandango paper bag girl…I mean that’s how serious we were,” said Wellington.
“Well, it leaves little room for rebuttal doesn’t it?” said chiropractor and relationship specialist Barbara Leeman. “When one claims God is leading them in another direction you don’t want to be responsible for getting in the way. The truth is God does call some of us to be single. Myself, The Apostle Paul, Jesus. We can’t all be King Solomon.”
“The sad thing is her profile picture is now a plate of cookies..so I know what that means.” said Wellington, flinging the rest of the bright colored cards toward the game basket. “I saw the way Snickerdoodle looked at her across the camp fire. I guess when she said ‘leading me in another direction’ she meant towards him.”
At the time of printing Doodle-Gaze was unavailable for comment.
Church Successfully Plays Video on First Attempt; Wows Congregation
In a feat congregants attribute to “a just act from a merciful God,” the tech team of Emmanuel Church of the Crossroads successfully played a video during it’s 8:30am service on the first attempt.
“As soon as Pastor Alex turned our attention to the screen during his sermon I braced myself for at least 30 to 45 seconds of silence,” said long time member Ben McAllister, “but the silence never came. No blue screen. No spinning load icon. Not a single side cough slow head swivel toward the back….nothing. It just played.”
As the slideshow of the Young at Hearts ministry picnic began, audible gasps were heard as pictures of church members age 55 and above tossing horseshoes rotated seamlessly.
“My jaw hit the communion cup holder,” Gale Simmons, another in attendance said, “I just could not believe what I was seeing. It was like how you’d imagine a video playing in heaven.”
Jason Carlson, the tech team Spring intern who cued the video was just as awestruck.
“I felt like yeah, it was my finger that clicked the mouse, but we all know who really started the video here this morning. I’d be a fool to take credit away from the Holy Spirit.”
72-year-old Deborah Davis who’s been attending church for over 40 years explained how she never thought she’d live to see this day.
“I tell you when you’ve been going to church as long as I have you think you’ve seen it all. But when that video started to play right away like that…I sat there and gave my life to Jesus all over again. It truly affirms miracles are possible in the here and now.”